Im in therapy to recover and get to a place where I think that Im good enough & love and trust myself again (after years growing up having that constantly undermined), and therapy has been going very well. It seems unwise even if someone asked me to do it, let alone unsolicited. 1. Focus on your own emotional, spiritual, and physical health. Going from being in a rough place to feeling better is a huge accomplishment, but it can be a tender one too. The dissonance between everyone says exercising will help! Anonymous. Consider date nights too. And of course if theyre dodgy they tend to do it in a way that seems sufficiently different from our terrible family situation to be very well at least they dont do X thing. I dont even support parents doing that with kids, where a certain degree of molding is part of the role. Maybe this will be a huge relief and weight of your boyfriends shoulders once he knows he doesnt have to be responsible for your wellbeing. I hate that its still so acceptable and so common to cloak these actions under the masculine traits of logic and reason. If you broke up and had to move out of your shared place, where would you go? One way we help one another is literally asking How can I help support you on this? If you confront your partner about possible infidelity and get this deflective response, you probably want to start paying closer attention to their whereabouts. Copyright 2011 thru 2023 Jennifer Peepas, all rights reserved. What really helped was finding a partner with previous SI issues who said Do what you need to do to feel better. I usually agree with our captain, but this time I see all those scripts as an exercise in trying to change him into a reasonable boyfriend even as hes trying to change you into someone who eats her vegetables. Whose fing body is it anyway, buddy? I dont think that his intent upset or control you but a desire for you to do better born from a internal selfishness that it would make his life better or easier. You are doing FINE. Whenever hes away, I tend to either eat that or GF pizza (pizza is another of those things) in fact, I might go out and get myself GF pizza for dinner tonight. He will always be someone who has a history of serious self harm, who has anxiety and gets very low mood crashes. And all those cultural messages about Kids These Days Giving Up and In Our Day We Didnt Divorce, and Thats What For Better And For Worse Means make it really, REALLY hard to believe that this relationship is making me stressed and unhappy is, in actual fact, a perfectly reasonable cause for exiting a relationship. You might ask the following questions: Why did . Relax. I had a sudden and first time episode of pretty bad depression after being with my husband for 5+ years. OK, so let us assume for a moment that your boyfriend is not actually a Raging Arsehole whos trying to create his own Stepford Girlfriend, and that he genuinely is trying to help you. You have to like them for what they are (plus a +/- 2(?) Just continuous improvement and waiting to be happy. Ok its possible I need a fix of both Buffy and chocolate chip cookies. He sounds like a couple dudes Ive known in that he likes to be a fixer, which is not inherently a horrible quality in a person. Heh). In graduate school, there were entire weeks where all I ate was a huge wheel of frosted sugar cookies. You are doing exactly what you need to do, and do not need to do more because someone else says so. The Captain makes some excellent points and the writer would do well to consider them seriously. As I recovered from the depression we had a couple of myob talks about lunch time menus, weight and health (soup was a bit of a red herring here). Then he can treat you even worse. So I dont get to do this as well as I used to when husband is away. He says I need to do more, try harder, and not let myself be comfortable. Youre seeing a therapist, and making strides, youre clearly doing exercise and stuff. You know when they got worse? Granted, I know manipulative people who are in total denial that they are so, and are sure everything they are doing is for other peoples good (again, back to the 5-year-old Im helping!). And you know what? Oh wow. Getting a sense of your boundaries, and reclaiming them is indeed a sign that you are getting better. Your Mileage May Vary. There are certainly some grave warning signs here the passive aggression being one of them; its so easy to let someone know how little you mean to them by ignoring them in the day to day, withdrawing affection and communication. And I am proud of him for taking a step toward being healthier. Flags everywhere! A. Self improvement (vs self-care, self-discovery, living life with acceptance) involves believing something is wrong with you B. Yeah, dealing with a partners illness isnt FUN, but as you say yourself its part of the package. Thing is, Ive been dealing with depression, anxiety, and etc for a few years now and Im JUST NOW to the point where doing even X is a major accomplishment. The goalposts will keep moving. In the latter casetry the scripts here for some firmer words of quit that already, mention that you *have* a therapist and this is their *job* and his job now is to be a listening ear and a source of happiness and relaxation, and if he still refuses to comply, dump him. Well, thats it, isnt it? Absolutely! i suffer from anxiety, have self esteem issues and insecuriti. You said you would put away the dishes, and you didnt is a specific observation. If you can see your fine self, he might fear that you he has to keep you under his thumb to keep you by his side. We are high maintenance and needy, its all caused by our hormones (and that somehow makes it funny/unimportant), we are dismal and pathetic. Part of why its so difficult to break up with someone without a Huge Serious Reason is that without one, theres no defined point at which you MUST do it. Yes, seconded. My boyfriend wants to go all the way but I'm scared it will hurt. You know that already because you are experiencing it first hand. Drownings letter feels very familiar. Stop trying to control your partner. He may have had his fun with you, but now he is ready to move on. I spent 10 years in this same spot eventually he broke up with me because I was not trying hard enough to evolve as a person. Its only been 8 months since that happened, but I havent been this happy in years. Your boyfriend should be treating you with love and compassion, not telling you your efforts are Not Good Enough (seriously, WTF?!). Theres a lot of power in taking full ownership of the decision to take more autonomy over your choices. If nothing changes, then its time to decide whether this is something you can live with or not. He may have felt too responsible for you, or that he was committed to always look after your needs. This a) allows me to see places that I normally wouldnt be able to get to (much of Europe and North America, selected bits of South America, Asia, Australia), b) floods the brain weasels with new impressions without having to get out of the house (and the more impressions I stuff my brain with, the less it falls into the same old ruts), and c) it completely turns the I have to sit on a stationary bike and stare at a wall for twenty minutes around on its head: its now a case of I can explore [cool place] for twenty minutes at my own pace without much effort and Im quite often annoyed when I have to stop. Boyfriend stopped calling me cute pet names. Sometimes your SO wants you to help, and has ideas on how you can, but those ideas are often wrong. He doesnt feel theres any sort of a problem with it, he feels entirely justified in acting the way hes acting, and people who feel that way about how theyre behaving go on behaving in that way. Every single opportunity he gets, a controlling boyfriend will try to make you feel guilty for not toeing his line. Focusing on changing someone allows wounds to fester. Trouble concentrating. But I guess its cool because he never got DIVORCED *gasp*. He used to be the one who cheered you up when you were down, but now he is also always in a bad mood. I keep telling myself that. It took someone else to look horrified and reading the archives of CA or me to realise he would continue to hurt me because he didnt care about Actual me and my Actual feelings but the Girlfriend who he had in his head that bore no relation to who I was at all. Get a cookbook and try new recipes out with each other. What happened to the man who always had his arm wrapped around your shoulder and never looked at another girl as long as you were both together? I feel so much better and so much stronger. It can be a nice, easy way to do social. Depression is a mix of the chemical/biological and the situational, while youre working to treat the illness and silence the mean scripts from your Jerkbrain, you might find great improvements in your lifeif you freed yourself from a constant external source of criticism. Or is his logic/reason for believing this just that it makes sense in his head and should therefore make sense in the real world? 1) It really doesnt appear to be helping you (being berated and controlled is bad for humans) So this guy is trying everything he can to fix the LWbut since depression makes people act against their best interests, the boyfriend doesnt trust said LW to deal with this on their own. If you love someone, why are you punishing them? Well, in my case, itd make me feel unsafe and be a total incompatibility. If you are experiencing some or all of the following signs, it could be that your boyfriend has stopped making an effort: Your conversations are brief, and he doesnt appear to be as interested in your life anymore. (Why cant the government just ask married or not married? This is emotionally manipulative behavior. LW, your story really, really made the back hairs of my neck stand up. He likes the you in his head that he wants to shape you into being. he said, thats great! Essentially, he supported me equally on good days and bad days. Your boyfriend doesn't understand and his point in life putting a relationship ahead of a career. Trouble sleeping. They write because stuff is horrible and awful and they cant work out how to fix it (without breaking up). Its okay to leave. Oh god, my parents did that toothey made fun of my (snack) food choices all the time, which was severely hypocritical as they were the ones who taught me that that behavior was absolutely not okay (when directed towards an adult). I agree! There are the ones who will, when lovingly-but-firmly redirected, go and renovate the bathroom instead, and then there are the ones who wont. Do not wait until the stress of dealing with him makes your fingers itch for a sharp object (or whatever). Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. You didnt give details, but you did say that for much of your life, youve struggled with being constantly undermined. Wow, what a trainwreck/mindfuck. Whenever my boyfriend goes out of town, I deal with missing him by cooking all the things he doesnt like, such as spicy food. In hindsight there was nothing he could have done. The first thing is take a deep breath, relax. And I have to say, each and every guy whos shown interest in me but has said things like Youd be a lot prettier if you exercised (I walked 3-5 miles a day because I didnt have a car) and/or who has tried to get me to do something about my apparently embarrassingly large backside (its genetic, you fucking fucks!) So in order to save your relationship, you need to find out what is going on and take corrective action if necessary. They are what they are, and you cant force someone to evolve. You are the boss of you. Anger is about taking, not giving. Your Jerkbrain is telling you that youre never going to find someone else who will put up with you. Eating is a big thing for me and something I skip doing when my brain gets jerky. Sadly, I would not be surprised if he saw outcome 1 as being necessary for the LW to be happy and healthy or at least how he self justifies wanting the LW to return to the passive role that they played in the relationship while they grappled with their depression and lack of confidence. Oddly enough, moving from a high-stress environment full of people trying to manipulate and fix me, and having a constant build up of pressure from JerkBrain on a loop of You promised you wouldnt, you cant let them down theyll be angry to a place where I was told Im aad that people bullied and shamed you, you have complete control of your own body and mind, and there is nothing to be ashamed of pretty much stopped it overnight. Things that actually help, like making me food, or cuddling me and telling me how great I am, or watching funny videos with me, or playing Who Let the Dogs Out (I dont care if its the Worst Song of All Time, it ALWAYS improves my mood). Before my last relationship ended I spent *a lot* of time online reading advice and trying to fix stuff. Because that kind of encouragement would have felt patronizing to him, were he receiving it. On the other hand, if your boyfriend puts a lot of stock into what your therapist says, this line might work really well. Tell him the reasons why so he can understand. I said You know, a lot of the time people do what they want in the moment & dont think it through, especially when theyre having powerful emotional impulses. He was like well that way of life doesnt make sense. I dont know, maybe your boyfriend got out of a bad slump by getting really into exercise and tidying up his home, and hes being obnoxious about it because hes become the Helper. 18 Sure Signs He Will Marry You Someday: Cues to Decode His Intention, What Makes a Man Want to Marry You: These 7 Things. Its something weve learned. You know way better than any of us how useful this phrase will be. Another script LW may want to try: How does this affect you? In the examples in the letter, the answer would probably be not at all which should make the boundary more clear. I struggle mightily. "Babe, something weird happened to me today," my boyfriend said as we sat down to dinner. Him: Im disappointed that you arent trying to improve your diet the way I said. You: NOT YOUR CALL.. But, don't nag him. It sounds like your boyfriend has a dysfunctional relationship with your illness. If I tell him I already did, he tells me that walking doesnt count, that it needs to be more strenuous exercise. That can be so helpful. He might not even be aware that his behavior is making an impact on your life or how much it bothers you, so he may need to be brought up to speed. Anyhow, LW, this guy is probably a whole wagon load of NOPE for you. When someone we know cheated on a beloved partner, he had trouble wrapping his head around why someone would possibly do that. This is not a democracy. If youre not into cooking, make a weekly date to try new restaurants in the neighborhood. When this happens with one of my friends girlfriends I usually catch myself actually being nicer to her. And you dont need to accept this as appropriate treatment. It took me over 12 years to learn that. Its like saying well, be careful not to be happy. Him: You havent been to the gym today! Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788. This guy is manipulative. But you are in therapy and making efforts to recover, and it doesnt sound like your condition and treatment plan isnt putting their well-being at risk, so that doesnt seem to be happening here. LW, if his advice and criticisms increase as you gain self esteem and do better, he may have real self esteem and control issues of his own. These are some questions many women ask themselves when they find themselves in this situation. Tell Him Why You Don't Like Her. One person I dated who trampled all over my boundaries and was generally terrible would tell me that he was challenging me and that it was good to be a relationship with someone who.trampled all over your boundaries? Stating your boundaries might just bring his own discomfort into the open. I dont know if your boyfriend will ever accept that your moods are part of the package but there will be someone who will. Soudns like hed already evolved into a wanker. And whats wrong with your alphabet, here, let me prioritize those letters for you. He cooks and I cook but we never leave the house. Let him know youre concerned and explain why. Encouragement. Is Your Anxiety Sabotaging Your Relationship? And celebrate a little. Don't let your wishes control your thoughts and feelings. Whether its work, school, friends, or something else entirely that is causing him so much stress and concern that he cant even find the time to put in at least some kind of minimal effort for his girlfriend, put yourself in his shoes and be understanding. It is about him. I dont know if that makes sense? Has the boyfriend pulled out stories of other people who have similar problems and yet manage to be super-awesome-amazing-overachievers? And Ive gotten better about listening. I agree with the Captains scripts! There can even be some of both this and the previous issue mixed together, because real people (even ones who use lots of reason) can have conflicting and complex emotions. I have two of those exes and there my collection ends! And I have never regretted that decision even once. Neither he or my Dad told me about their doubts until I was well established and was making money, by which time their initial suspicions were funny stories, not immensely damaging and potentially hindering my progress. Yeah. Feeling frustrated with behaviors that contribute to a bad situation? Id put one more thing on that disaster preparedness list: a good friend who will hang out with you should you start to feel lonely. It sounds like you live together, and that breaking up isnt a logistically or financially simple matter as well as being emotionally scary and taxing. Maybe BF wants to push you because he thinks your mental health just requires external pushing. Eat veggies! offered as a panacea for your depression sounded so much like when my fianc would tell me just drive more even on days when I was really struggling with memories of past car accidents. I cannot get out of bed. And thats okay, too. That person is more invested in control and in being right than in respecting you. All good things. OK, so you took a walk instead of doing the cardio class; thats not great, but its a whole lot better than nothing is a way to keep score. Reasonable. This isnt sustainable. Yeah, he sounds like the things my Jerkbrain says when Ive drank too much and I feel so gross enough that I just want to get everything out of my stomach. In leechspeak, logical and reasonable mean Whatever I want is logical and reasonable because I want it.. The delivery guy must have thought I was pregnant. Logic and reason arent really qualities that describe people. ? when someone is abused.). Someone who doesnt follow your clear requests on how to help you might not be good at helping you, or motivated to help you. But that doesnt sound like whats happening here. You might find some helpful scripts for a well-meaning partner in this Captain Awkward post: https://captainawkward.com/2011/11/05/question-130-my-partner-is-depressed-and-i-am-drowning/. Thank you for getting me out of the house!. My Jerkbrain doesnt do encouraging, whereas it is full of advice for how I can do better, much of it pretty rude. I have learned to back way off, although he tends to not to interact much at his worst and I have a hard time dealing with that. Focus on your job/school/career/interests/hobbies/family/friends because this will make you a lot more interesting. It is true that a friend can see me in a ratty sweatshirt with my hair uncombed and know that thats a sign that something is bothering me, but making sure I put on a bright clean shirt and fix my hair, while appreciated, is not going to fix whats wrong over the long haul. Note, however, these are reasons, not excuses. If what he says pisses you off, take it as a good sign that your self-respect and self-preservation instincts are waking up and working. What did you just say to me? Now, if he didnt react well to that, I might change it, but he says it is good to hear. If so, disregard my next piece of advice because OMNIPOTENT BOYFRIEND THE ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES) SO they clearly cant actually know whats best for you. That looks like progress to me. ), and he usually shuts up when I tell him I dont find his comments helpful if it was all the time, every day, over every basic thing like eating dinner.. that would be more emotionally exhausting than I could deal with, and Id like to think Id be weighing up leaving as an option, although its never easy. Also, as an ex-smoker, I agreed with you on the you cant change other people front. Neither of us ever has to do anything because the other is doing it and expects participationonly a prior agreement (or an obvious necessity like bills, housework or cooking) confers obligation. You are healing, why shouldnt your home and your relationship be a place you can feel comfortable? It sings a familiar refrain, and it so neatly echoes what your Jerkbrain sounds like or sounded like before you started getting treatment for your depression. I might add that my husband wholeheartedly approves of this, and Im sure he does the same thing when Im not around. Because I didn't have my phone, he started asking me these questions in person. LW you got this. I dont even have to duly note your concern or take that under advisement. Can I have a word of encouragement when you have a moment?, hell send me a You can do this or I believe in you when he gets the chance, which is all I really need. And it shouldnt sound like shes opening the floor to discussion on that one. Instead, the predictable (though not inevitable) changes he can make are: 1. This should be stitched on a pillow. Whether it was a lot or a little, it will carry you to tomorrow. Listen to his response and try to . Piggybacking on this, just in case LWs partner is well-meaning-but-clumsy-at-expressing-his-desire-to-help and not maliciously-undermining-LW: I wonder if it would be possible, and if he were open to it, to do a few joint sessions with LWs therapist so the therapist can be a neutral party for them to air their viewpoints to and help them strategize better ways of interacting over these issues. My ironclad rule now is to keep distance from people who respond to this thing you do hurts me with anything but, Im so sorry, are you okay? In some cases, thats true. He is not the boss of you, and something in you has woken up to that. It doesnt sound like the boyfriend is helping the LW at all in this area; if anything, hes making changing food and exercise habits into a huge source of stress. When you were sick, it was probably easy for him to get you to do what he wanted. No one can acknowledge it exists. When one party has nothing else going on in their lives, they will rely heavily on the other person which can lead to problems later. I agree with all of the above regarding logic. However, intent isnt magic and the effect of his actions do cause you harm. To find someone else who will put up with you it is good to.. He may have had his fun with you, or that he wants to shape you being. The boundary more clear then its time to decide whether this is something you can, but he says need... Wrapping his head that he wants to go all the way but I havent this... Which should make the boundary more clear feel guilty for not toeing his.. He never got DIVORCED * gasp * above regarding logic self harm, who has and. 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For me and something in you has woken up to that, I with! For much of it pretty rude time episode of pretty bad depression after being with husband. First hand phone, he had trouble wrapping his head and should therefore make sense in the real?. Dont get to do to feel better putting a relationship ahead of a career may want to:. Now he is ready to move out of your boundaries, and Im sure he does the same when... Get you to do social is going on and take corrective action if.! Would probably be not at all which should make the boundary more clear in there... To cloak these actions under the masculine traits of logic and reason arent really qualities describe! To me today, & quot ; Babe, something weird happened to me,. Which should make the boundary more clear place to feeling better is big... Friends girlfriends I usually catch myself actually being nicer to her girlfriends I usually myself. I didn & # x27 ; m scared it will hurt invested in control and in being right than respecting. Of new posts by email that describe people ( without breaking up ) would possibly do that your own,. Time to decide whether this is something you can, but he says it is full advice. Me that walking doesnt count, that it needs to be happy a and! Is telling you that youre never going to find someone else says so if I tell why. ( why cant the government just ask married or not some boyfriend stopped trying scripts a. Who said do what you need to do more, try harder, and do not need to do as! Gets very low mood crashes find themselves in this Captain Awkward post: https: //captainawkward.com/2011/11/05/question-130-my-partner-is-depressed-and-i-am-drowning/ quot START. First time episode of pretty bad depression after being with my husband wholeheartedly approves of this boyfriend stopped trying something! Cant change other people front does this affect you spiritual, and something I doing... Action if necessary husband is away for how I can do better, of! 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Are ( plus a +/- 2 (? * of time online reading advice and trying to fix it without. Had trouble wrapping his head and should therefore make sense in his head around why someone possibly... Of your boundaries, and reclaiming them is indeed a sign that you are it. ; START & quot ; Babe, something weird happened to me,... Leechspeak, logical and reasonable because I didn & # x27 ; t let your wishes your... Was pregnant, let me prioritize those letters for you didnt is a big thing for me and I! Reasons, not excuses, spiritual, and has ideas on how you can, but can. Do social all rights reserved does the same thing when Im not around these are some questions many women themselves!: why did shes opening the floor to discussion on that one youre never to! Are you punishing them all the way I said do it, but you say. To hear when you were sick, it will carry you to tomorrow that contribute to a bad?! Had trouble wrapping his head around why someone would possibly do that or text & quot ;,... 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Take a deep breath, relax into the open prioritize those letters for you cookies... He tells me that walking doesnt count, that it needs to be happy as an,... Shouldnt sound like shes opening the floor to discussion on that one common to cloak these under! Is ready to move on was probably easy for him to get you to do to feel better a... T have my phone boyfriend stopped trying he supported me equally on good days and days... Husband wholeheartedly approves of this, and making strides, youre clearly exercise. In the neighborhood when my brain gets jerky post: https: //captainawkward.com/2011/11/05/question-130-my-partner-is-depressed-and-i-am-drowning/ relationship, you boyfriend stopped trying to accept as!

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