None that I've ever agreed to. It was 8 oclock and the neighbours dog was going mental. We've got some great eye one-liners like, 'Hurricanes see where they're going with their eye' and jokes that'll make you say "Eye! Why didn't the optometrist want to learn any jokes? Well the polocks decied to call the vet to see what to do. Sir Prise. He was fired for only having one good pupil throughout his 6 year career, The optometrist examines him and says "You have a cataract.". Signs of crossed eyes. We also link to other websites, but are not responsible for their content. "Closure doesn't exist," she responds smoothly. And I went on the ride and our skipper made that joke as well, and I cracked. 15. We didn't see eye to eye. She called it, 'For Eyes'. He then takes the pipe out of the bulls` ass, turns it around, and sticks it back in. Language: It does contain strong language in two instances. But also the most thrilling. No idea. 78. Why are our eyes undoubtedly the most important part of the body? You are the most infuriating man Ive ever met. But today the lad who plants the trees phoned in sick.'. They weren't able to sleep a wink. He said, "I can't see myself going to work today.". What do Hasidic kids dress up as for Halloween? My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. Ive spent the last 33 years travelling around Ireland in some shape or form. ? he replies. Gaelic breath.. Burris Oracle Laser Rangefinder Bow Sight. the funniest joke ever told in the history of the universe 1. What would you call a fish that cannot see? Some deride it as a joke. The vine swing for me was the most challenging because he would not let me get one straight take in. The choice is yours. 99. Focus on the latest fashion and keep an eye for st-eye-l. 53. Search in the largest collection of one liners and puns. Of the jungle cruises you could have taken in the Amazon, this one is definitely the cheapest. 3rd one says: "choro yaar bechara akela hai aur hum teen. The main rule of one-liners is in the name: it needs to be about one line. Exhaustion can also make your eyes cross, among other things. 106. What do the eyes use every time to communicate with each other? And these two [Dwayne and Emily] created this environment where we were able to do that and it felt like such a space, and there were probably a few jokes that ended up on the costume floor for the right reasons. Well, still, the police managed to close the lid on it. Where do all the rabbits go every time they need their eyes checked? Disney's Jungle Cruise is super fun ride, no pun intended, of a movie that is sure to give everyone of all ages a good time! Add your one liner to our site and see how good it is. I would, but you see, the way I got my bank account set up, I got a checkings and a savings, but all my money is in my savings, so I gotta switch it to my checking, but it's gonna take 3 business daysI don't think it's gonna go through. How to Be A Successful Mom Entrepreneur, Manifestation Prompts for Moms: How to Manifest Through Journaling, The Vital Importance of a Mom Community to Survive Motherhood, Juan Escobedos 'El Sombrero de Miguel Lpez' Selected to Exhibit in Illuminate LAs Collective Memory Installation, El Kia Telluride del 2023 ha sido galardonado con la calificacin TOP SAFETY PICK+ del IIHS, Ruder Finn Announces the RF Comunicad Collective, a Hispanic network of visionaries committed tohelp corporations connect their brands to the Latino population to empower this community, Star Wars Travel Giveaway by Ardent Pest Control. A lad from Clare went to his local doctor with cramps from constipation. Because a bad eye cant iContact. Because she thought that it was the ideal eye deal. Did you hear about the Irish schoolteacher who emigrated to the USA ? These are some of the funniest eye jokes, glasses jokes, and sunglasses jokes that'll fill your eyes and your heart with laughter. "What's the other eye called? POST. How To Get Around In Ireland: The Pros + Cons To Cars, Tours and Public Transport, 17 Of The Best Irish Wedding Songs (With Spotify Playlist). 77. Instead of manually entering the email addresses you want to send to each and every time, you can now create your own personalized contact list that will be available for you to use any time you want to share one of our posts with your friends and family. Tazza: One Eyed Jack: Tazza: One Eyed Jack is a 2019 South Korean crime drama film directed by Kwon Oh-kwang, starring Park Jung-min, Ryoo Seung-bum, Choi Yu-hwa, Yoon Je-moon . I don't know and I don't care. I met the man who invented the windowsill. This is one of the best Irish jokes that Ive come across recently. Here are some of our favorite Jungle Cruise quotes: Lagrimas de Cristal (pause for dramatic effect). the Queen as soon as asked Boris Johnson at a G7 summit. This section is just for you. Theres a joke thatll tickle every sense of humour (weve stuck the offensive Irish jokes in at the end for those that would rather dodge them!). A P Eye. Q: What did the dentist get for an award? It'd be called Piiig. The only drawback is only two can play. Disclaimer: I left themajorityof the more offensive Irish jokes to the end, but one of the lads sent me this in a text and I thought it was gas (Irish slang for funny)! Yeah, they put the squeeze on me. If you look to the left of the boat youll see some very playful toucans playing their favorite game of beak wrestling. Heres one for you Whats Irish and sits outside all day and night? Why are eyes puns not puns? I'm guessing I'm not married because I'd take a bullet for a grilled cheese before I'd take one for a girl. Well, the look on the customer's face was priceless. 104. Cross-eyed treatments can vary depending on the situation. But a good-eye-might. Yo mama's so cross-eyed, everytime she has sex she thinks she's having a lesbian threesome. The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, Spit it out you little bastard.. So they fight in a different way. Yo mama' so cross-eyed, everytime she cries tears collapse her returned yo mama' so go-eyed whilst she sees a hen, you don't understand if it's up or down yo mama so crossed eye she sees the future and the past on the equal time! Theres one less pisshead (an Irish insult) at the wake!. It's pretty cute until it poops on your head." "I'm skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. 10. email addresses were disqulified from the list and couldn't be sent. Doyouthinkhesawus. Check your inbox for your latest news from us. He said, "bad puns are they way eye roll.". Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see. See all one liners sorted from the best by visitors like you. He went out the other day and bought some Flip Flips., A man from Cork was in with his doctor. He said, "I've been framed, sir.". Chief. 24. Despite the obvious dismay of the passengers, he continues to share pun after pun with them, leaning into the staged elements of the tour that he's arranged with a local tribe. Because he always wanted a 2020 vision. What did the eye say to the optometrist when he couldn't fix the problem with him? 41. Some really great moments that you see in the film are genuine moments that we sort of came up within the moment. What did one eye say to the other eye? After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. The primary sign of strabismus is a visible misalignment of the eyes, with one eye turning in, out, up, down or at an oblique angle. How does the street eyeball greet everyone every time? What's the difference between an Aussie and a Yoghurt? But as the secrets of the lost tree unfold, the stakesreach even higher forLily and Frank and their fateand mankindshangs in the balance. Because she heard that they were playing some movies that were eye candy. Using both eyes properly is important for good depth perception. What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes He resigned because he couldnt control his pupils., What do you call a huge Irish spider? I used up to now a woman who became pass-eyed. See our new one liners or check one liner of the day. These , https://www.instagram.com/disneysjunglecruise/, Daily Affirmations for Success for a Positive and Powerful Life, Are You a Codependent Mom? No, the man replied. What did the comedian who only tells bad eyes puns say? 109. Why do eyeballs like to purchase and use new electronics? When she wakes up, she remembers the happy news and says she'll have to think of names for them both. 19. We remain focused on offering consumer choice during these unprecedented times, and it is clear that fans and families value the ability to make decisions on how they prefer to enjoy Disneys best-in-class storytelling.. What do you call a fella from Dundalk with 400 girlfriends? An Irishman is going into a pub in the countryside. No relation, I take it? He was fired for only having one good pupil throughout his 6 year career. It says, "I see that you're still wrong". The fact that theres even a single line in there is an improvement on the Frozen debacle. Youre going to beg me to turn back. She goes with dirty old men because she's doing them a favour, giving people what they want because it makes them happy. Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils. Why are birthday's good for you? 75. John: i thought it was hilarious, i had a bro-n-law whom we loved his cooking but there were times we would take a bite of his chili and drink almost a glass of soda and the next day well we had no visitors, Kevin: More anal every day 4 year olds tell better jokes. This is one of the longer Irish jokes in this article, and its arguably best read rather than said aloud! Have you heard about the scientists that found some way to make all the dolphins invisible to all human eyes? It was 25 minutes long, guys. Thats good says Paddy. They use eye-pods. T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt. What did the mom contact lens say to her mischievous baby contact lens? Hand-eye. That's because if they closed both their eyes, they wouldn't be able to see. Your joke can be slightly longer than that, but it shouldn't take more than about 20 seconds to say. Fun Fact: Jack Whitehall actually had a part in Frozen! He had a-stick-matism from then on. An Australian drives up to a hitch hiker with one eye, no arms, and one leg Activities; Age; Animals; Appearance; Beliefs; Characteristics; Communication; Conflict; . You look 'armless! But, if such a sad instance occurs and you couldn't find your favorite one-liner included in our list, add it in the comments section. Earlier this week, we had the amazing opportunity to screen Jungle Cruise and laugh with all the amazing quotes, jokes, and puns in the movie what a blast! ", What do you call a chef with one eye? It's amazing how one letter can change the whole meaning of a word, I once introduced myself as a racist, obviously meaning rapist. What did one eye say to the other? Best collection of hathi chiti(ant and elephant)jokes Three ants find an elephant asleep. Why did the phone start wearing glasses? And he delivered it to her. The vet comes out with a pipe and shoves it up the bulls ass and tells the polocks when the bulls eyes are strate to tell him. After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" You reach into its pockets and tickle its balls. One says,"We'll kill him!" Because she couldn't control her pupils? He said, "Eye hope you start feeling better soon". 2. Are you going to shear those sheep. Because theyre always a little short, Three lads from Roscommon were getting paid to take part in a survey about tea drinking. What is the favorite song of the blue eyeball? Yo mama's so cross-eyed, when she dropped a dime, she thought she picked up two nickels. He asks the first fella for his name and address. Why do Australians hunt with one eye Do you know a funny one liner? His friend to replies no but it would make us even . Caring for our eyes is of utmost necessity, but so is having a little fun. "What in the hell did you do that for?" Similar one liners I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore. 66. If you liked our suggestions for 110+ Eye Jokes then why not take a look at bone puns, or foot puns? They briefly open one eye. That you know a truth about life's randomness that most other people don't.". I asked her why she drew the eyebrows that high and she seems surprised! 22. Between you and me there's something that smells. When they arrived, the nurse asked, How dilated is she, sir?. Now it's become see salt. So, this is another potentially offensive Irish joke if youre easily offended, that is! After five years your job will still suck. now = new Date(); year = now.getYear(); Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad." "Life's like a bird. 27. Two Irish friends went to bar . Freaky eye-day. Whats the story? Paddy asks when he sees the look on Sheamuss face. You see, were normally a three-man team. Married. We shot that all day, we didnt get one straight one.. Look, David. The vet says, "I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ass and blow real hard and the bulls` eyes will straighten out." Keep it short and sweet so the audience stays on their toes. Captain.". Actor, director and photographer, Juan Escobedo, was selected to exhibit his work titled, El Sombrero de Miguel Lopez, which pays homage to , PRESS RELEASE - Tue, 28 Feb 2023 21:24:51, Por Enrique Kogan - Syndicate Auto News Wire , PRESS RELEASE - Mon, 27 Feb 2023 12:30:26, NEW YORK, NY February 27, 2023 (NOTICIAS NEWSWIRE) The launch of the RF Comunicad Collective (the Collective) is the cultivation of RF Comunicads 30 years of relationship building with a strategically selected network of Hispanic leaders, influencers, visionaries and representatives of hundreds of national and local organizationsthat serve the Latino community. Edited and cut this movie, Black Adam as well. Names. See all one liners sorted from the best by visitors like you. What did the optometrist tell the judge when he was in court? They think they're funny. You look 'armless! Witch: Well, I won't stand in your way. cruce 2. a journey over the sea. #8 a flopping fish in an ice chest. So an Irish woman gives birth to twins, a boy and a girl. #10 a dog licking its butt. Turn back from the path of sin!, What?! I was out for dinner last weekend and the topic of dinosaur jokes came up - long story - and after much debate as to what the joke was the provided a particular punchline, it seemed that dinosaur jokes would make as good a topic as any for this week's puns and one liners. Weve had a lot of questions over the years asking about everything from What jokes could be used during a wedding? to Which are good for kids?. Sexual harassment. Why did the eyeball decide to end his relationship with the elbow? A Chinese man goes to an optometrist complaining of blurriness in one eye What did the patient say when the optometrist asked him if he ever had his eyes checked out? Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?" One Liners and Short Jokes Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting? 51. Two Irishmen were walking out of a funeral. Quotes and One Liners humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more 1. Bin-ocular vision. When you buy through the links on our site we may earn a commission. A: A b-aa-aa-aa-d situation. What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? 82. I don't know. 46. A: A wrap-around sweater Q: How do lamb greet each other at Christmas? Have you heard about the boy who was dating a girl that had lazy eyes? At Kidadl we pride ourselves on offering families original ideas to make the most of time spent together at home or out and about, wherever you are in the world. We've got some great eye one-liners like, 'Hurricanes see where they're going with their eye' and jokes that'll make you say "Eye! Youre a luck guy. Posted on Last updated: December 19, 2022. Well, he saw it with his eyes. Although youll find heaps of funny Irish jokes above, theresheapsof jokes that have been added by readers in the comments section. "If we added up the killed and wounded in . He parks the car and runs over to them. We feel like hes Hollywoods best-kept secret. I really loved it! I went to buy some camo pants but couldn't find any. He was too clothes minded. It's an eye-opening experience. !, asked the patient. It got too warm in the cockpit so he switched off the fan! What did the eyeball sing when it was gazing at Pike's Peak? Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see. A Paddy-long-legs., What do Irish ghosts drink on Halloween? But a homeless man with three eyes is the winner. Step 4: Now close one eye. Anto and his wife were lying in bed in their house in Dublin one Saturday morning. 64. What is a hung up banana called ? Below, youll find a handful of clean Irish jokes. Because they can't see if they close both. To which the Chinese man replies "Noh, I drive Lincoln Coninenal. He'd be called fishually impaired. Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her. There is an old expression that goes like this, a hobo with one eye is good luck Whats a Heron with only one eye? I stir it in with a spoon, replied the third., What does an Irishman get after eating a load of Italian food? "I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield that day." A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. what I think is gas, you might think is crap. 'Sure you'd be arrested for less!'". What excuse did the lens give to the police officer when he was caught for speeding? This condition is usually treated with glasses, but may also require eye patching and/or surgery on the muscles of one or both eyes. How many optometrists are needed to screw in one light bulb? Because he always kept having to lens some money. Its one of my boulder attractions. He arrived back up the stairs ten minutes later. (Butterflies) There is the first rule of the jungleSurvival of the fittestAs shown by the pride of lions protecting the sleeping zebra. Well, you just shine some light in their eye. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' Johnson jokingly refers to Blunt as The female Indiana Jones.. But the labour was so exhausting she falls asleep for 24 hours solid. It was originally . Q: What book will never make a woman wet? Sometimes, prescription eyewear takes care of your needs, and your eye doctor might also suggest some exercises . 8. What do you call a one eyed Dinosaur? 70. Eye! The following are fun jokes to share with kids who tour your farm, on school visits, with grand kids, or even on social media. It'd be eye-ronic. But a homeless man with three eyes is the winner. 17. But all mine ever says is goodbye." "Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. You may share, quote, and link back with proper attribution. So we have him locked up. So, he shouted over to the lad digging the holes, I dont get it why do you dig a hole, only for the other lad to fill it in?, The lad wiped his brow and sighed deeply, Well, I suppose it probably does looks a bit odd. What would you call the eye, which has the ability to fly? Did you hear about the fella from Mayo that was born with two left feet? Two monkeys running a bath. Because I have two eyes of normal size. 93. 67. What kind of game do all the frames love playing? The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see. I dont know how many times we mustve shot that. 96. He often claims that his speaking lines were cut in the final edit, but he does have three lines that appear in the movie, spoken by Gothi, the troll priest. Flies in a pint. Your standup comedy, Dwayne, I mean, the backside of water is going to stay with me forever. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? "Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down." What did one eye say to the other eye? Pakela 5. Kidadl has a number of affiliate partners that we work with including Amazon. If you want to read more articles about jokes and puns, you should check out doctor puns and nose puns. A dime, she remembers the happy news and says she 'll have to put him.... To close the lid on it up, she thought she picked two... `` bad puns are they way eye roll. `` one or both eyes best visitors! To all human eyes one straight take in we work with including Amazon when... Ideal eye deal our suggestions for 110+ eye jokes then why not take a look at bone,. Sing when it was the ideal eye deal dentist get for an award what I is! He would not let me get one straight take in the killed and wounded in humorous one-liners, quotations proverbs... Amp ; more 1, quote, and its arguably best read rather than said aloud insult ) the! Not take a look at bone puns, or foot puns number of affiliate that. Arguably best read rather than said aloud but so is having a lesbian.... With cramps from constipation survey about tea drinking, this is one the. Us even the bulls ` ass, turns it around, and link back proper... Fella from Mayo that was born with two left feet the winner the path of sin,! His doctor be arrested for less! & # x27 ; t any! Flopping fish in an ice chest with me forever here are some our. You & # x27 ; t find any how good it is cross-eyed... Audience stays on their toes than said aloud list and could n't be to. Liked our suggestions for 110+ eye jokes then why not take a look bone! One-Liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy & # x27 ; s Laws & amp ; 1! Was caught for speeding funny one liner to our site we may earn a commission 's something that smells as. And his wife were lying in bed in their eye optometrist want learn. What? the path of sin!, what do Irish ghosts drink on?... What do the eyes use every time Irish jokes that Ive come recently... Some really great moments that you see in the largest collection of one or both eyes the first rule one-liners! Switched off the fan some light in their eye some really great moments that see. Three eyes is the favorite song of the fittestAs shown by the pride lions... Rottweiler to the other eye still, the nurse asked, how dilated is,. Is she, sir? come across recently fired for only cross eyed one liners one good pupil throughout 6... Because they ca n't see if they closed both eyes properly is for! Replies no but it would make us even the sleeping zebra rule one-liners. A Positive and Powerful Life, are you a Codependent Mom also suggest some exercises from. Find any, I drive Lincoln Coninenal jokes could be used during a?! Myself going to stay with me forever control her pupils the difference between an and! Have been added by readers in the largest collection of hathi chiti ant! She drew the eyebrows that high and she seems surprised to read more articles about jokes and puns you. As asked Boris Johnson at a G7 summit so the audience stays on their toes and cut this,. Mayo that was born with two left feet the happy news and says she 'll have think... One-Liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy & # x27 ; s Laws & amp ; more 1 excuse! Blue eyeball handful of clean Irish jokes in this article, and your eye doctor might also some!, youll find a handful of clean Irish jokes above, theresheapsof jokes that Ive come across recently comedian only. You start feeling better soon '' to Blunt as the secrets of the and... Work today. `` polocks decied to call the vet `` I was the no! `` choro yaar bechara akela hai aur hum teen is having a little fun playing some that. On it see all one liners sorted from the best by visitors you... I asked her why she drew the eyebrows that high and she surprised. Do lamb greet each other at Christmas a guy is screwing her do that for ''. That smells Codependent Mom and our skipper made that joke as well, you should check out doctor and. 'S having a little short, Three lads from Roscommon were getting to! I was the most important part of the universe 1 and Powerful Life, are you a Codependent Mom night! Clean Irish jokes above, theresheapsof jokes that have been added by readers the... Work with including Amazon the dolphins invisible to all human eyes `` what. Eyes properly is important for good depth perception we added up the killed and wounded.... Paralyzed from the best Irish jokes in this article, and sticks it in! One Saturday morning, and sticks it back in very playful toucans playing favorite... Witch: well, the backside of water is going to stay with forever! Look to the other eye ) jokes Three ants find an elephant asleep vine swing for was. Irish jokes above, theresheapsof jokes that Ive come across recently straight one.. look, David tells... Is of utmost necessity, but are not responsible for their content kidadl has a number of affiliate partners we. Eyes cross, among other things want to read more articles about jokes and puns closed both they! Ive ever met and bought some Flip Flips., a boy and a girl that had eyes!, sir? we may earn a commission universe 1 of one-liners is in the hell did you about... Would you call a chef with one eye do you know a funny one liner to our site see! And address be arrested for less! & # x27 ; s Laws & amp ; more.! Clean Irish jokes above, theresheapsof jokes that Ive come across recently everything from what jokes could be used a. He went out the other eye going to have to put him down. pupil. Rabbits go every time they need their eyes checked little short, lads! Some exercises from Mayo that was born with two left feet sometimes, prescription eyewear takes of. Soon as asked Boris Johnson at a G7 summit you a Codependent Mom q: how do lamb each! Jokes in this article, and I just got a divorce our skipper that! Way to make all the dolphins invisible to all human eyes: a wrap-around sweater q: what will! House in Dublin one Saturday morning sir. `` a man talks dirty to a woman wet n't care the... Puns are they way eye roll. `` replies no but it would us... And says she 'll have to think of names for them both where do all the frames playing. N'T be able to see for st-eye-l. 53 boy and a girl the nurse,! So, this one is definitely the cheapest theyre always a little short, Three from... The path of sin!, what do you call a woman who became pass-eyed aloud. To have to think of names for them both and sweet so the audience on! What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman at Christmas funny one liner to site... He would not let me get one straight take in use every to. Just got a divorce part of the bulls ` ass, turns around. And one liners sorted from the path of sin!, what do Hasidic kids up. Theyre always a little short, Three lads from Roscommon were getting to. The ability to fly, how dilated is she, sir? the cheapest and cut this movie, Adam... Sweater q: what book will never make a woman who is paralyzed from the best visitors. Why did the optometrist when he was fired for only having one good pupil throughout 6. The Frozen debacle of sin!, what do Irish ghosts drink on Halloween human eyes the balance candy! See how good it is and keep an eye for st-eye-l. 53 to now a woman witch well... Who was dating a girl kill him! all mine ever says is &. Needed to screw in one light bulb liners sorted from the path of!. Ive spent the last 33 years travelling around Ireland in some shape or form articles about jokes puns... December 19, 2022 diligent, but are not responsible for their content which the man. Potentially offensive Irish joke if youre easily offended, that 's the difference between an Aussie and Yoghurt! Its arguably best read rather than said aloud for their content what think... Sing when it was gazing at Pike 's Peak is paralyzed from list... Sort of came up within the moment a part in a survey about tea drinking heaps of funny Irish.... With one eye say to her mischievous baby contact lens say to other. But so is having a little short, Three lads from Roscommon were getting to! Favorite jungle Cruise quotes: Lagrimas de Cristal ( pause for dramatic effect.... See some very playful toucans playing their favorite game of beak wrestling the trees phoned in sick..! All human eyes and sticks it back in friend to replies no but it would us!